The Monster In My Mirror
by RavenDove
Summary: When Dr. Bashir finds himself convicted of murder and sentaced to life as Jack's roommate in the Institute he must find out who the real killer is and why they framed him.
1. The Isolation Ward

The following was found in a notebook of mine. I wrote it some time ago, and intended it to begin a story which I have outlined. I thought my readers might like a nibble.

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The Monster In My Mirror

by Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff

Chapter One: The Isolation Ward

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_My name is Julian Subatoi Bashir and at the time I begin this record I am thirty-nine Federation standard years old. I was born on Earth in the city of London to Richard and Amsha Bashir in the Earth year of 2342 AD._

_As it stands now I have been convicted of a most heinous crime that I did not commit. The taking of the life of another sentient being. Though in times of war I have done such a thing in self defense or the defense of my comrades, the willful premeditated act of murder is beyond me._

_The true sin which condemns me in the eyes of others is the fact that I was genetically enhanced as a child. This is a crime that sent my father to prison for a time, but has imprisoned me in a lie for most of my life. It is a sin which I cannot be forgiven of, though I am the victim and not the perpetrator._

_Perhaps in reading this you will find forgiveness for the things that I both am and am not guilty of. Perhaps you will come to understand the true nature of the monster that I see each time that I gaze into my mirror, and understand for your own sake the meaning of what it is like to walk in an innocent man's shoes in time of condemnation._

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Julian looked up from the padd on which he had been writing. The journal had been Dr. Nurek's idea, though keeping it in code for the time being had been his. He had to stop every four paragraphs or so and compose the code in his head for the next section. For him the equations took only minutes, but for anyone else it would take days and the aide of a computer.

The outer door of the isolation room opened to admit Dr. Nurek. The Vulcan was a crisp contrast in his Starfleet uniform on the outside of the forcefield to the rumpled blue patients gown and pants that Bashir wore.

Bashir set the padd and stylus down on the table and came to a more formal sitting position on the bench that served as a bed and the rooms only two pieces of furniture. They were attached to the wall so that a more violent patient could not use them as weapons.

"You are still not eating Julian." Nurek said. Like most Vulcans he always got right to the point.

"I'm not hungry." said Julian. It wasn't quite a bold faced lie. With everything that weighted on Bashir's shoulders he was not thinking about food. The fact was that he had gone longer without food while he was in solitary in the Dominion internment camp before Worf and Garak had arrived. He was just not going to make his jailers happy by caving in to there every demand. There were no delusions about ever being a free man again, so he would fight for what control of his life that he had, and at the moment that meant refusing to eat.

"Your blood sugar levels have dropped below acceptable healthy levels for your species." said Nurek. "You are taking in water, but not at a sufficient rate to equal the rate you are excreting it. Surly as a doctor you can see that this is not in your best interest."

"Being here is not in my best interest, Dr. Nurek."

"The findings of the court disagree with your logic."

Bashir stood up and balled his hands into fists at his side. "The findings of the court were wrong!"

Two orderlies entered the outer part of the isolation room carrying restraints. "Since you refuse to cooperate the courts have given us the authority to medically intervene for your safety."

That was when Julian smelled the Anesthazine. They were pumping it into his cell. He tried to hold his breath, and the room grew cloudy, but he stood there. He stood for five minutes without breathing, but finally he could resist no more. When his lungs cried out to the point that he could not force them to remain closed he gave up and took in a deep breath. Then another and another until his eyes grew heavy and he stumbled back slumping to the bench behind him.

When the sensors showed that Bashir was in a deep slumber the gas was cleared from the cell, the forcefield was dropped and the orderlies secured him for transport to the Institute infirmary. "I would have preferred this had not been necessary." said Dr. Nurek.

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	2. Only In My Mind

Did someone ask for seconds?

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The Monster In My Mirror

by Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff

Chapter Two: Only In My Mind

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Julian came to tied to a biobed with a feeding tube inserted down through his nose and an IV attached to each arm. The fullness of his stomach was uncomfortable, but the point was made. _Only in my own mind do I have freedom_.

Dr. Nurek entered Bashir's field of vision. "The naiso gastric tube is a temporary measure, but a more permanent one can be made if you continue on this self destructive course, Julian."

Bashir was more than tempted to tell Nurek to go to Hell, but thought it better to pretend he was still in a drugged stupor. _You take round one Nurek_,_ but this war isn't over_. _If my life is to become one endless mind game with you_, _then I can play nice if it suits me._

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The next day they moved him back to the isolation room. He ate half of what they gave him and drank his full ration of water. It was enough to get them to remove the NG tube, but the threat would always remain.

"I asked you if you understood why you have been sent here, Julian?" Dr. Nurek said from his side of the isolation room field.

"You already know my answer; so I didn't see the point in repeating it." Bashir said as he wrote out another line of code with the stylus.

"It is your unwillingness to accept the facts that keeps you in isolation, Julian."

"I will not confess to a crime that I did not commit." On with another line of code.

"You might find things easier if you just kept that journal in standard."

"Why?" Julian asked as he paused half way through a line. "Would you like to read it?"

"Yes Julian," Nurek said with a tilted head, "I would like to read it."

"That," Bashir said with a smile, "is why it is written in code."

"This distrust is illogical."

"No Dr. Nurek." Bashir said. "You are illogical, and at the moment irrelevant." Julian went back to the code. The key to the puzzle was somewhere in his memory.

"What do you mean by irrelevant?"

"M.J. Balla said that each Human defines there own reality." Julian looked up from the padd. "She was a poet philosopher from the early twenty-first century on Earth."

"And at this moment in your reality you have decided that I am irrelevant." said Nurek.

"A conscious choice," said Julian, "but mine to make."

"I could take away the padd Julian." said Nurek.

"But then you wouldn't have the fun of trying to decode my confession."

"Is that what you are writing?"

"No," said Julian with a smile, "It's actually just a collection of nasty limericks about your wife."

Nurek's eyebrow raised. "If I am irrelevant then why are you trying to bait me?"

"Did it work?"

"I have other patients to see Julian." said Nurek as he rose from his chair. "If you are not interested in making progress I cannot make you."

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	3. The Begining Of My World

The Monster In My Mirror

by Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff

Chapter Three: The Beginning Of My World

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_My first memories are not very clear. I'm not sure if the fog around them is caused merely by time, or the way my mind worked before the enhancements. _

_I know that for a time we lived in Sudan near my father's family. I remember my grandmother's house, and the smells of the traditional food she would make. _

_I remember Kukalaka, my teddy bear. He was abused and worn to thread by the time I was five. My mother helped me to sew him back together many times, and warned me to be more careful with him. The simple fact is that I didn't understand completely that it was my roughness that lead to the holes and the loss of stuffing._

_There was a boy in my preschool class named Alai that was always on about my inability to grasp the concepts that the teacher was trying to explain to us. The things that other take for granted were so far beyond my reach._

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Julian reviewed the things in his journal. He had spent the better part of the day editing the pages of code, not that there were changes to be made to the text. He was just trying to bring out every detail in his mind. Every little thing he could remember could be significant. Every person he ever knew a suspect in some duplicity. It was no doubt to him that it was someone he knew that had sent him on the pathway here. Someone who had a reason to hate him.

Dr. Nurek entered the outer part of the isolation room with someone else behind him. Bashir did not bother to get up from his reclined position, though he did look over as Nurek introduced his companion.

"This is Dr. Sulniay, Julian." said Nurek. "She is in her last year of residency." Nurek sat down in his customary seat and pulled another on over from the wall for Sulniay. "It is necessary for her to sit in on patient sessions to gain her final certifications."

Julian took a good look at the new player in the game. Sulniay was a Betizoid, and from what Bashir could sense about her she was high esper rating. There was a way of dealing with this kind of situation. Most people tried to close off their minds to a telepath, but for a non-telepath that was hard. Though Betizoids tried not to delve deeper than the surface of the mind they could still see things you didn't want them to. The trick was to be open. To broadcast the things you wanted them to see.

Julian sat up and looked into Sulniay's eyes. He thought of the saddest memories he had. Of the patients that he wished with all his heart he could have saved. He thought of Jadzia's last moments and Worf's cry to Stovokor. He thought of Federation soldiers who's names he never knew. He thought of his fellow internment camp prisoners, and his lack of medical supplies. How the Vorta had tried to use their suffering to make him malleable, and his own refusal to break. He thought about how he had been unable to find a cure for white addiction before the rogue faction of Jem'hadar had run out. His regret at every time he had been forced to kill during the war. How much he wished he could have lived life without hiding behind the lie that he was normal. The fights he had with his father. The way he felt like he had betrayed Captain Sisko and Miles by not confiding in them. He thought of Ekoria and how she never got to hold her son...

Sulniay began to weep slowly. "What happened to Ekoria's son?"

Julian lowered his gaze. "Travian set up and orphanage in her village for all of the children born without the blight. They are raised by the community."

Sulniay stood and left the room. Nurek looked at Bashir with a puzzled expression. "What just happened?"

Julian laid back down. "Dr. Sulniay went to find some Somalin and Zeratriptophan."

"What did you do to her?"

"I just let her see me as I really am." It took effort not to cry. Julian closed his eyes and rolled to face the wall.

Nurek left to check on Sulniay.

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Sulniay pressed the hypospray to her neck then set it down on the counter and slumped into her chair as she covered her face with her hands.

"Are you alright Dr. Sulniay?" Nurek asked her with concern.

Sulniay dropped her hands and turned to face the Vulcan. "I don't think he killed commander Mainair."

"The court martial ruled that he did." said Nurek.

"Courts and Tribunals have been wrong before." Sulniay let out a deep yawn.

"How much Somalin did you take?"

"Only ten milligrams," she admitted, "it's the Zera that makes me tired."

"What did he let you see?"

"He broadcast every bit of remorse he could find in his heart."

"Will you be alright after so much emotion?"

"Give me about eight hours and I'll be fine."

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	4. The Scene Of The Crime

The Monster In My Mirror

by Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff

Chapter Four: The Scene Of The Crime

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Julian knelt over the prone form of Commander Mainair in the cockpit of the runabout _Yolja. _ The Grandren scientist jerked violently in the last fit of seizure then was still. Bashir tried to get the cardio stimulator to work, but it wasn't strong enough to make the reptiloid's heart quiver. He tossed it aside and began to beat on Mainair's chest. Trying to make the heart beat again.

He worked fervently for more then twenty minutes to try and revive Mainair, but it was no use. Finally Ezri and Nog pulled him to his feet.

"He's gone Julian." said Dax. "Let him go."

"Freeze Program." said a more grizzled Bashir from the other side of the holodeck. "Why did you bring me here?" he asked Sulniay.

"There is something wrong with this picture." Sulniay said. "Some detail that was missed or changed."

"No there isn't." Bashir said dejectedly as he walked over to the runabout cockpit and took a seat. "I've been here a thousand times in my mind, and I can find nothing." He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward to look in Mainair's dead face. "It wasn't this record that convicted me."

The distress that Sulniay felt was genuine. "The autopsy was found to be in error."

"They found Dexenine in his system." said Bashir.

"When the vial said Rorbredrine."

"And the missing Cordrazine and Mecladone in my quarters."

"As well as in your blood."

"I didn't take the drugs." Julian said as he looked her right in the eye. "I don't rely on things like that for my own use."

"Yet no one else had a reason to do this, Julian." Sulniay said then she paused as she caught something from Bashir's conscious mind. "There is something you aren't telling me that might be helpful."

"There are lots of things I'm not telling you." said Julian. "There are things that I can't tell anyone."

"Why?"

"Because no one else would understand."

"Try me." said Sulniay.

Julian started to think of the most painful thing he had ever endured in his life. Could it be close range phaser burns? Perhaps the plasma burns he had received on Ajalon Prime while the Klingons were attacking? It certainly wasn't the compound fracture he'd received on that one Planet where he got to meet the legendary Captain Sulu. Perhaps being beaten bare hand by a Jem'hadar?

Sulniay winced. "I think I get the picture."

"I'd like to go back to my cell now." said Julian as he stood up.

"Actually Dr Nurek and I have decided that it's time for you to come out of isolation."

"Somehow I don't like the sound of that."

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Julian was right not to like the sound of what he'd been told. They had assigned him to the same ward as Jack, Patrick and Loren. They were all glad to see him, but now he would have to look at life from their point of view. It was frightening.

He sat on the bed in his new room and tried to get over the shock of it all. He been a prisoner before. In an internment camp with regular people. He'd even been tossed in the station brig for real on one occasion for brawling in Quark's. But in a mental ward with antisocial characters like these three. That was culture shock.

At least they had allowed him some real cloths and a decent shower, though a nurse had had to watch him while he shaved. The isolation room had allowed him the allusion of privacy, but here there was none.

It was then that Jack entered the room. "Hi, roomy." he said as he took something from inside the dresser on his side of the room.

This was too much. "I thought that you and Patrick shared a room."

"We did." said Jack as he turned to face Bashir. "They moved some new patients into the ward since the last time you were here and had to do some rearranging." Jack came over and put a firm arm around Bashir. "Now you really are just another one of the freaks."

The smile that Jack gave him made Julian wilt inside. _I need to figure out who framed me before I get comfortable with this situation._

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	5. The Unguilded Cage

The Monster In My Mirror

by Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff

Chapter Five: The Unguilded Cage

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_I'm not quite sure when they decided to take me Adigieon Prime. I remember them coming home from one parent teacher conference. All these years after the fact I'm quite certain that the teacher was trying to convince my parents that holding me back in school for a year would be in my best interest, At this point we'll never know if that would have been a better choice than the one they finally made. Though part of me suspects it would not have._

_I remember my Mother kissing me goodbye that morning at the space port on Earth and telling me to be a good boy for my Father. The next time I saw her It was more than three months later and I was a whole new person_.

_I was excited by the hospital on Adigieon at first, with all the different aliens that I had never seen before, or even dreamt of. Then it became a frightening place. I didn't understand what the doctors were trying to do. I just knew that some times it hurt when they promised it wouldn't. I remember on more than one occasion trying to hide from them, and then my Father finding me. At first he would be angry, then he saw I was afraid and would try to comfort me. In the end he would always convince me that it was okay, and things would get better._

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The regimented life at the institute was hard for the first few days. Then it became easier. He got into a routine of following what schedule was set for the ward. There were daily fights between Jack and whoever refused to see things his way. It was unavoidable that Julian would take the brunt of it some days. Though Jack always lost interest them moment that something else caught his attention.

Julian still kept his journal in code, though now he changed the cypher each day so that the others in the ward who were as smart as him would not be able to read it as well. They were not kept informed about the outside world. So none of them knew he'd been convicted of murder. They just knew that he had been court martialed and sent here.

Loren grabbed the padd from his hand. "So why all this code stuff, doctor?"

He wasn't sure if the way she said that was meant to be mocking or not. "It's no ones business but my own."

"Is it some plot to overthrow the Federation?"

Julian grabbed the padd back. "Hardly." He went back to editing the code.

"Who is Timothy Andrus?"

Julian looked at her with a mixture of surprise and dread. "That's is none of you business."

Loren was uncomfortably close to Bashir with her head resting on his shoulder as she stood behind him. "You mention him five times in the last seven pages. Almost as much as this Elizabeth Burke." she pointed to a series of characters in the code.

Bashir gave her the dirtiest look he could.

"Even Rail Fencing I can see the names, but the original language of the text is not one that I am familiar with."

"They are people I haven't seen or spoken to since I was fifteen."

"Oh, so the great Dr. Julian Bashir is writing his memoirs."

This time there was no missing the mockery in her voice. "If I were just writing my biography I wouldn't be keeping it in code."

"Then what pray tell is it, dear Julian?" she asked.

Julian looked back over the text and caught something that he'd missed before. "The possible answer to why I'm here instead of back on Deep Space Nine."

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	6. Clue In A Memory

Monster In My Mirror

by Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff

Chapter Six: Clue In a Memory

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Jules Bashir sat on the couch in Ms. Elizabeth Burke's office with his arms folded across his soccer uniform and his head turned down in very sulky manner that was uncharacteristic for the fifteen year old. He was an honor student at the head of his class. An over achiever and a top athlete who was on track for early graduation from one of the top schools in London. Yet here he was in the headmistresses office for brawling.

"Would you care to tell me what happened, Jules?" Ms. Burke asked in a calm voice.

Jules worried the blood stain on his shirt between his fingers as he considered the question. "No Ma'am, I would not." he still did not look up.

"You broke Timothy Andrus's nose, and you don't wish to explain yourself." Ms. Burke half sat back on the edge of her desk.

Jules thought back to the incident during practice. "I let my temper get the better of me Ma'am."

"What did Mr. Andrus do to deserve a broken nose?"

Julian sunk further into the couch. "It wasn't anything that he did."

"Then why did you hit him?"

Jules looked up for the first time since entering Ms. Burke's office with a frightened look in his eyes. "Could you please just suspend me for three days and leave it at that."

Ms. Burke took the seat across from Jules and tried to get a better look in his eyes. "When a student with a perfect record would rather take a suspension than try and explain himself I have to ask myself why."

Jules turned away from the headmistress again. "I fully intent to make a formal apology to Mr. Andrus and the rest of the team as well as coach Lukas." he closed his eyes and tried to make himself smaller. "I'd just rather not discuss what happened."

Jules was usually not bothered about anything, completely unflappable as far as Ms. Burke knew. The hardest possible test, facing an undefeated sports team or asking the most popular girl in school out didn't even faze him. Something was bothering him now, and it was just eating away at his insides.

"If something is bothering you Jules, then you need to talk about it to someone."

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Jules looked across the kitchen table at his father Richard Bashir. "So I wasn't good enough. Is that it?"

"No." Richard said in defense. "We just felt that you deserved a chance at a normal life."

"And you consider breaking the law every day of your life normal!" Jules stood up so quickly that he knocked his chair over.

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"I had a fight with my father last night." Jules said after several minutes of struggling with it in his head. "Just a bad argument really."

"Every young man has disagreements with his Father Jules." Ms. Burke said.

Jules looked at the Headmistress with more anger than she had ever thought could exist in the young man. "Not like this one." he said.

"How so Jules?"

"I found out for the first time in my life that my Father thinks I'm a mistake, and no matter what I do, I'll never be able to please him."

The straight face with which Jules delivered that statement took Ms. Burke by surprise. "You can't possibly mean that Jules?"

The young man looked away for a moment. "Yes I do mean that Ma'am, and would you please start calling me Julian. Jules is the nickname my Father uses, and I no longer wish to be know by it."

"Alright Julian," Ms. Burke said, "why do you think that your father feels that way about you?"

Julian thought of all the things his father had said and done as far back as he could remember, "Because he said so himself."

"You mean he actually said so in words Julian?"

"Not in his words Ma'am," Julian said, "in his actions since the day I was born. It just took the argument we had last night for me to finally relies it."

Ms. Burke was beginning to think that there was something rotten in the Bashir household, and it wasn't last weeks tripe. "Julian, has your Father ever hit you? I mean hard enough that you required medical attention."

There was shock in the young man's eyes. "No Ma'am." he denied the accusation.

"Has he ever touched you in an inappropriate manner?"

"It's not like that at all." Julian denied more strongly.

Elizabeth was use to dealing with teenagers caught in the middle of a lie, and she was certain that Julian was lying now. Which meant that he was in danger from his father somehow. "If you Father is hurting you somehow, then I need to know Julian."

Julian buried his face in his hands to try and clam himself, then looked back up at Ms. Burke. "My Father is not hurting me Ma'am."

For the first time since she'd met Julian, she didn't think she could believe him. "I can have the school nurse run a medical scan that will verify if you are telling the truth."

Julian felt himself grow pail, if they were looking hard enough they might find out what he really was. "No medical scans!"

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	7. The Death Of Jules Bashir

The Monster In My Mirror

by Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff

Chapter Seven: The Death Of Jules Bashir

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Richard Bashir entered the school office with trepidation. Jules had never been in a fight in school before. He'd always been a well tempered boy. Even before their trip to Adigieon Prime.

No sooner had the secretary told him to have a seat then Ms. Burke stepped out of her office.

Richard stood up and smiled at the Headmistress. "Good afternoon Ms. Burke."

She looked at him with a level of contempt. "It is not a good afternoon Mr. Bashir."

Richard frowned, "No, I don't suppose it is."

"If you'll step into my office please?"

Richard found Jules sitting on the couch looking paler than the wash. He took a seat next to his son, but found that Jules wouldn't even look at him. "What were you thinking Jules?"

"I wasn't." Julian mumbled.

"What was that young man?" Richard said with a little more anger in his voice.

"I wasn't thinking, _Sir_." he said back with cold eyes on his Father.

"Your son has already made it clear to me that he regrets hitting Mr. Andrus, Mr Bashir." Ms. Burke said as she took a seat behind her desk and began filling out certain forms. "I on the other hand think there is more going on here than a simple case of bad choices and bad temper."

"Would you care to explain what you mean?" Richard asked.

"This display of aggression is so very out of character for your son, that I'm wondering what might have caused it." she said in answer. "All he will tell me is that he had an argument with you."

"All young men have disagreements with their fathers at some point Ms. Burke."

"Yes they do Mr. Bashir," Elizabeth admitted, "but most of the time they don't cause sons to use their teammates as punching bags in retaliation."

"He didn't use that as an excuse." Richard said with disappointment.

"He refuses to use anything as an excuse Mr. Bashir. In fact it's not what Julian tells me that I find troubling, but what he won't tell me." She stood up and handed a padd to Mr. Bashir.

Richard looked at the padd and nearly jumped out of his seat. "A request for permission to have a medical exam preformed under the Child Welfare Protection in Education Act?" He shook his head in indignation. "What ever for?"

"Your son's behavior today was so out of character for him that I have to rule out all possible causes." Ms. Burke said coldly. "He could be acting out because he's been physically abused, because he's been using illegal drugs, our because he's developed a brain tumor." she folded her arms. "Once these causes have been ruled out I will consider suspending him or any further disciplinary action." Ms. Burke sat down again. "If you deny permission I can obtain a court order to have him removed from your custody until the examination has been completed."

Richard hesitated for just a moment, then imprinted his thumb on the padd. "You'll find absolutely nothing."

Julian looked up at his father with even more distress on his face. "Don't I have a say in this?"

"Unless you've been doing Red Ice with your friends behind my back Jules, you should have nothing to worry about."

"But..." Julian began to protest.

"I know you hate doctors Jules," Richard said, "but if you don't cooperate you won't be going home tonight."

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Because the official forms had been signed for the medical exam Julian was taken to the local hospital. His Father had been left to wait outside while he'd been forced to strip and given two different master scans as well as being holographed in his drawers. Then blood, urine and tissue samples. Finally a Doctor ran a tricorder over him an told him to get dressed. Then he was allowed to go home with his Father.

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"You need to be more careful Jules." Richard said from the driver's seat of the family hovercar. "They weren't looking for genetic tampering this time, but if anyone ever suspected you could end up in an institution for the rest of your life."

"Maybe I belong in an institution," Julian said with venom, "or perhaps an old fashion freak show would be more to your liking."

"Don't talk about yourself that way Jules." Richard said.

"How else should I talk about myself?" Julian asked. "Now that I know exactly what I am."

They pulled into the parking garage for their apartment building, and Julian stormed out of the car and all the way into the building.

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Elizabeth looked over the report twice after receiving it the next day. No trace of illegal substances in the blood. No signs of organ damage that could be attributed to use of illegal substances. No evidence of unreported or improperly treated injury. No evidence of sexual assault of any kind. No trace of disease or chemical imbalance. What ever was rotten in the Bashir household, it wasn't Julian.

The intercom buzzed, "Julian Bashir is here to see you Ms. Burke."

Elizabeth pressed the button, "Please send him in Anne."

Julian entered without looking up at Ms. Burke and handed her a padd.

She read it, and found that she was even less happy than when she had finished reading the medical report. "Transferring you to a Starfleet Academy prep school, so they'll be rid of me."

"No Ma'am." Julian said. He looked her in the eyes with sadness. "My Father has always said he felt I lacked disciplined. After yesterday he decided that a more regimented school might be in my best interest."

She sat back further in her chair. "Do you want to tell me what's really going on between you and your Father before you leave Julian?"

Julian looked at her with the truth on the tip of his tung, but changed his mind. "I'm afraid not Ma'am."

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